1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
