I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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