I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
