literally had 100 drinks last night.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
