I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
