But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
