I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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