Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
