my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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