WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If I die, sorry about rent.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
