Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
