I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
