Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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