Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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