Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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