if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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