I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
