Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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