Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
