he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
