Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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