JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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