It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
