my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
