Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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