Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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