On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I would ride that face into the sunset
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
