the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
