her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
