Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My balls are so social today.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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