i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
