I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
