if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying