hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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