I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
So squirting runs in the family.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
