Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
