sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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