Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
