This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
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he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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You are the jesus of drinking
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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