I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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