chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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