You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
