Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
