either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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