I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
