I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great