I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
