What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You are the jesus of drinking
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
