Someone shit on the floor
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
