You just made me feel so damn special
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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