He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
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Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
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Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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