I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
