When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
