Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize