If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
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and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
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I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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